hey people!

its really funny how a photograph can make me smile and tear at the same time. so i was clearing up some photographs and i see this picture of me and my grandma. she has me on her lap and is kissing me on my cheeks. now i know where i gt my pose from. hee hee.. so ya.. i look at it.. and i felt like i was being sucked in this vacuum. A rush of memories came flashing back at me at one go. i rmbr how she used to pat me to sleep, bring me to school, go market and get me chocs. i rmbr how proud she was to see me in my pri sch uniform. she had tears in her eyes. "my baby has grown up." LOL and i was only 7. they day she moved to my aunt's hse, i cried like mad. she too.

over the years, i went over to see her on sundays. called her as often as i could. the bond that we had was just so strong. everytime i was down, i wld go over to her place and see her. i nvr opened up to anyone the way i did to her.. just seeing her face and getting a hug from her always made me feel better. when i had smth happy to share, she was the first.

this year has been really traumatising for me. i watched her go right b4 me. the once very healthy woman became so weak.. it all started in june. she had constant sever stomach pains. which never seemed to go away.. the doctors did tons of tests, scopes and x rays. but cld nvr find out why. i rmbr staying overnight with her. she wld wake up shouting in pain. and i wld get get her meds, rub her tummy with oil.but no. the fucking pain wld nvr go. all i cld do was watch her suffer in tt pain. times when i wish i cld take away tt pain from her. and i felt so useless tt i cldnt.

oct 19, the day she slipped into coma. had a heart attack. stayed by her side all day and night.. hoping and praying that she wld wake up..look at me once, talk to me for a last time.. but she didnt.. oct 20, early morn, she slowly slipped away. i saw her pulling slow breaths.. one eye opened, tears coming out. i rush over to her side.. hold her head and whisper to her.. i hold her hand, i feel her letting go. i grip as tight i can.. i knew i was losing her.. i bring her close to my chest. i tell her i love her very much, will nvr forget her, go peacefully and live wo pain anymore.
her hand lets go of mine. the nurses and doctors come in.. i knew she was gone there and thre.. i walk away.. i felt so lost at tt time.

i sit thre looking at her lifeless body.. i touch her and she's so cold.. i felt like some1 had just ripped my heart open.. it was so painful for me.. they brought her back to the house for the mourn. i barely slpt tt night.

oct 21 was the funeral. how i hated tt day.. doing all the rituals.. kept cool all e way till the crematorium.. when we were done with the last ritual.. watching her go into the incinerator.. the pain i had was nth like what i had felt b4.. it burned, ached at tt time.. i broke down at tt moment.

there went my pillar, my guardian, my everything.

always loving u in every heartbeat and missing u in all my joys.. sorry u nvr gt to see me married. i noe tt was ur only wish left.

i love u.

Love,
me